JUPITER ASCENDING (2015)
Writer & Director: Lana & Lilly Wachowski
Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum
Summary: A young woman discovers her destiny as an heiress of intergalactic nobility and must fight to protect the inhabitants of Earth from an ancient and destructive industry. (IMDb)
Alternative summary: Werewolf channing tatum carries damsel in distress mila kunis through cornfields, cityscapes, and open space
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let’s… start with the positive (singular): it’s only saving grace were the production designers, who did amazing jobs!! jupiter ascending is a visually stunning movie - settings, costumes, make-up were all 10/10! they approached the look of a film the way a professional photographer would approach a potential picture: leading lines, symmetry, colours - all done well. they created worlds and ships with a kind of sweeping magnificence; it’s just a shame that the rest of it couldn’t fill up that space with what it needed to really come alive.
worst part of this movie? the writing. i’m not talking about the actual lines that the characters delivered (some of which were quite awful), but the macroscopic construction of the plot.
1. passive main character. the premise of the film is that jupiter finds out that planet earth is her birthright. she didn’t do anything to actually get it, it’s just dropped into her lap by virtue of perfect genes. she doesn’t work towards any goals, doesn’t show that she has any principles (apart from this vague thing about saving lives which is more impersonal than anything). she doesn’t act of her own accord, spends most of the movie getting manipulated or trapped or threatened, and then is saved and carried off by channing tatum (caine). the result is that we feel nothing for her character. there’s no investment on our part because it’s not like she’s worked towards anything, or made a mistake that resulted in all this catastrophe happening in the first place
2. repetition. too many falling scenes, too many damsel in distress scenes, too many caine in shining armour literally scooping her out of the air. there’s no variation to the action, and variation — or the unpredictable — are essential in action films because A. we want the action to be entertaining and engaging and B. unpredictability = danger and real stakes. there are no stakes when we know she’s gonna fall, and caine is gonna come flying in -/-
3. romance. it’s amazing how romantic subplots are somehow a staple in mainstream action films, but if you want it, you at least have to make it believable, right? we know nothing about caine and neither does jupiter, and he knows nothing about her either. halfway through the movie there’s an awkward confession — one that *gasp* we saw coming?! — followed by more of such cringey talk at inappropriate moments.
4. unneeded plot detours. there’s a whole montage in the movie featuring space red-tape bureaucracy that really wasn’t needed and lasted close to 5 minutes. i mean, good attempt at worldbuilding? but what was the point? and the thing is, we know from 2012’s cloud atlas that the wachowski sisters are capable of pretty good screenwriting and directing. maybe it was because for cloud atlas there was already source material to draw on, but the premise of jupiter ascending was problematic from the start
the music was also quite subpar, imo? though this may vary from person to person. ever since star wars and john williams, space epics have also always come with orchestral masterpieces, because space is vast and unknown, and music does well to give that vastness form. i found an over-reliance on choral elements to be a tad bit annoying, and the music didn’t vary or change depending on the setting - that was definitely a shame, because if the music had matched the sheer spectacle that was the visual effects, maybe there could have been a chance to drown out the emptiness of the rest of it
also: caine. we start off with channing tatum’s genes are crossed with that of a wolf! and that he’s essentially a lone wolf and broody bc he doesn’t have a pack (which is then summarily dismissed and is never ever mentioned again). ok so he’s a werewolf, pointy ears and growling and all. then he spends 90% of the second act shirtless and sweaty (wow!! pecs!! are we going down a list of kinks here?) and by the end he sprouts wings. WINGS. what the hell, that’s a kink too
EXTRA:
i also found jupiter ascending to be a tad bit misogynistic in character portrayals? (ok but most movies r like this so)
our smexy hero channing tatum is a barechested growling werewolf that saves damsels while skating through the air. which is fairly common, ok, fine. but notice that the “enemies” of this film are, summarily: a beautiful, manipulative woman that has a nude scene; an effeminate man that tricks jupiter into marriage; another, more effeminate man that has outbursts of rage. all three are not physically strong, but are intelligent and eloquent. and then, at the end, damsel in distress jupiter manages to beat effeminate man #2. what does this say? 1. women need saving. 2. women that don’t need saving are cunning and manipulative. 2. men do the saving. 3. to do the saving men should be bufflords, with intelligence and prudence being optional. 4. the best way to solve problems is to hop on an x-wing and blow stuff up using the power of your own testosterone.